


Razbliuto

by artificialmac



Series: Foreign Word Fics [16]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, cracker has no idea what emotions are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 00:24:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14965085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Razbliuto (Russian) – The (usually sentimental) feeling you have toward someone you used to love but no longer do.





	Razbliuto

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my series of one-shots inspired by foreign words with no English translation.

“I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Cracker almost misses the last part of the sentence, so entirely consumed with the first three words. They bounce around in her head for what feels like years until she feels herself speak.

“Thank you. Happy Mother’s Day to you.”

She can’t help the way her eyes trace Bob’s face, searching for any recognition of the immensely important words he just spoke. She can’t find anything. 

The two go on speaking to the camera about drag families and the political importance of drag. Time passes almost in a daze. Cracker knows she should move on and focus on the questions she is being asked, but she never was good at getting out of her own head. 

And its just that…those words are so familiar. She remembers it like it was yesterday, the two laying on the floor of Bob’s apartment, absolutely exhausted after a long day of walking around NYC in full glam. 

He said it quietly. So quietly in fact that Cracker asked him to say it again. And again. 

And once more, with feeling.

The two smiled against each other’s lips that night, and despite the long day they had, they still fucked like animals. It was only in the wee hours of the morning, staring up at the popcorn ceiling, that Cracker realized she never said it back. 

It took Bob a bit longer to notice though. 

He seemed perfectly content to tell Cracker at every moment he could. It was hard, Cracker knew, it was hard for Bob to be emotional with people, so used to channeling everything into comedy. It was hard for him to get to that point that he felt comfortable enough to tell her. She knew this. And that only made it harder. She would smile and kiss him affectionately, and that seemed to placate him for the time being. Cracker still remembers this period of time as she remembers any time with Bob, fondly. He truly was a light in her life. He brought out this whole other person in her, literally and figuratively. 

Miz Cracker was an extension of Maxwell that had never seen the light of day. Cracker saved his life more times than he could count, and he would always be grateful to Bob for showing him that. 

Did Cracker love Bob? Absolutely.

Did Maxwell love Bob?

He didn’t like to think about it.

Because placating someone only lasts for so long. 

Bob started to become insecure when his feelings were met with only a small smile and nod. He spoke of his feelings less and less as time went on, until one day, he stopped altogether. Their communication lulled. Cracker would catch herself looking through old conversations and lamenting the fact that she couldn’t think of anything to say.

Well, that was a lie. She could think of many things to say. 

_I miss you._

_I love you too._

_Is it too late for us?_

_I’m sorry. ___

__She would always end up hitting the backspace button._ _

__A few months later, Bob won Drag Race. Cracker seized her moment. A simple _“Congratulations! You deserve all this and more.” _Was all she said. Eagerly she awaited a response, but it wouldn’t come that night. Or the next. Cracker stopped hoping she could mend this rift between them. Not that she knew how to.___ _

____How do you say to someone who loves you, “Hey, I think I love you, but I’m not really sure because I look at you sometimes and I feel whole, but other times I don’t feel like a real person that actually exists, and I know people believe in God or whatever, but I don’t want you to have to love something that doesn’t exist because that is hard. And you don’t deserve anything in your life to be hard. And also I think you are making a mistake by loving me, because what am I? I want you to love someone easy, and I am not easy. I am a mess and a half. So please take all that beauty you have in your being and give it to someone worthy.”_ _ _ _

____Luckily for Cracker, she doesn’t have to say all of that. The two run into each other at a club a few nights later. Bob immediately envelops her in a huge hug, the kind that fills you with the unmistakable urge to cry. But Cracker holds it together, she always does._ _ _ _

____They start talking, and Bob explains how she left her phone at a friend’s house a few nights ago, but thanked Cracker for her kind words. The two quickly fall back into place, with only trace amounts of tension lingering._ _ _ _

____Weeks later, they are contacted about doing a video and article for Mother’s Day. Cracker can tell Bob is excited by his tone of voice in their phone conversations. She mentally kicks herself for involuntarily smiling like a fool at the sound._ _ _ _

____The day arrives, and it is the most fun Cracker has had in almost a year. She can’t believe she let the one person who truly understands her, leave. Her fondness and appreciation are apparent to everyone involved. The videographer keeps sneaking small knowing smiles at Cracker, who does her best to brush it off, and focus on truly enjoying herself._ _ _ _

____The shoot takes about six hours, but it goes by all too quickly for Cracker, who finds herself in a familiar position sitting on the floor of Bob’s apartment. She’s in half drag and tipsy off the feeling of old friendship._ _ _ _

____She and Bob talk for hours, catching up, spilling tea, and talking about Cracker’s upcoming audition tape for Drag Race. When they finally run out of things to say, they sit in a comfortable silence. Comfortable until Bob looks at her _that _way. The way in which she knows he is about to say something important.___ _ _ _

______“Look, I know we’re having fun, and I don’t mean to kill the mood, but…uh…the way we left things…wasn’t good. I didn’t like it. I don’t like it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I-“_ _ _ _ _ _

______Backspace_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You-“_ _ _ _ _ _

______Backspace_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sor-“_ _ _ _ _ _

______Backspace_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Plea-“_ _ _ _ _ _

______Backspace_ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
